an afternoon without autism

This is new for me. To watch Noah sleeping. Don't get me wrong, I of course did this when he was a baby. But it was more to check on him. Now, I just stare at him. Watch him take his breathes. I wonder what he is dreaming about. And then I let my mind drift.. I start to day dream about what it would be like if, when Noah were to wake up, his autism were gone. What would our afternoon together be like if Noah were just like every other kid?

He'd wake and I'd ask him, how was your nap buddy? Because I ask him every single day, only today he would answer me through tired mumbles. Tell me he had a nice sleep and try his best to tell me about his imaginative dreams. We'd watch a show together, because autism or not, my little guy will always need his time waking up.. but, maybe Noah actually would be sitting with me for longer than a minute. He will be relaxed, and calm. And not constantly moving around, bouncing and shrieking.

I would ask Noah what he wants for his snack and he'd tell me. Eat it like a champ, with no coercing or television shows on. We'd then do something together. Anything. Color, paint, a game, play pretend.. and we'd do it all afternoon, because he would actually be enjoying himself. And I would want to soak up as much as that as I could. I would ask him why to everything he was saying constantly. I would be the annoying toddler-like one. I would listen with such intent to every single word he'd say. And I would hold onto those words forever.

When Adam would come home, he would run to him shouting daddy with such joy. He'd tell him all about his day and all the big exciting things we'd done. We'd eat dinner together, and Noah would love entertaining us. He'd maybe fuss a little too, probably about his dinner option.. he is still a toddler after all. Before bedtime we'd play with daddy. Maybe we'd be superheroes and run around the house with our capes. And Noah would ask Adam to tie his cape on extra tight and he would shout come get me daddy!

We'd get ready for bed and Noah would run to pick which story to read together. He would ask endless questions and point to all the pictures. And we would re read that story as many times as he wanted. I would just hold him, and take in his scent. Maybe we'd stay up all night, because I know I could stay in that moment forever. Or, I would climb into his crib with him, and I could watch him fall asleep. He wouldn't be so distracted and fidgety that he would be able to curl up next to me and drift off so effortlessly. And I would just hold him, all night. Maybe these things would happen, maybe not. Who knows.. an afternoon without autism seems to have so many possibilities.

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