We have children for all kinds of reasons, right? I think a general one is, we as adults look forward to enjoying the magic of childhood again. And re-living it with our kids & seeing the excitement in their joys + hobbies. But what if there really isn't one?
Sometimes I am tired of the sameness.. or the nothingness rather. I would love to color & paint with Noah, or play make believe. I sometimes wish our playing wasn't watching him collect toys into a pile, & throwing them behind his back. Maybe that's selfish to say? I don't know. I just wish we had a little more. Just a teeny more.
I noticed it is soccer season, I've seen videos of little ones Noah's age running down the field, kicking the ball, looking back at their parents with huge happy smiles on their faces. Noah couldn't do any of those things.. nor would he want to. And as a mom that kinda hurts. I guess I've been noticing the autism part of Noah more, and feeling the weight of it's obviousness.
But I'll keep trying, of course. Because there might be that one day where he wants to do those things, and it makes him happy. Where it's not forced, and it doesn't last only minutes.
What's the cut off though? Right? I mean, if you try to get someone to do something fifty, one hundred, five hundred times.. do you keep trying? Or do you simply say, I'm done. I don't know the answer to that. At least not yet.
It's really starting to sink in that Noah's childhood will look different than most, and always will. That's the tough one, always.
But I know I'm not ready to give up playing with him. I'm still hopeful & still believe. And there is no where I'd rather be than sitting next to my little dude. Tickling him, squeezing him, and kissing those chubby cheeks. He is my whole world. These are just the rambling thoughts of a mom raising the wild, but also the brave.