counting the days

For the first time since as far as I can think back, I want time to slow down. I actually haven't ever really felt this way. My whole life I've been sprinting to reach the next milestone. A shame I know, trust me. I wish it hadn't of taken me thirty years to realize this. And it's kinda an odd feeling to have made this shift. Since having Noah, all I've been doing is trying to catch up. Rushing to do everything and anything I could to get him 'better.' Feeling like we're running out of time and racing against the clock. Lately though, those feelings have been more in the background. I feel we are at a good place with Noah. I've dipped my toes onto that path of forever.. hey, it's a start. But lately I've found myself just wanting to help Noah to be the best he can be, whatever that may be.

I have been more present, more in the moment. Because just like any kid, my baby is growing up before my eyes. I need to be in the now. I can't keep him little forever in hopes that I'll blink and this will all be a distant memory. This is it, autism & all, possibly even further on the spectrum than I had originally thought.. but, it's okay. Because I don't want to count the days anymore. I don't want to live a life of always looking ahead. Waiting. Convincing myself that in this many days, we'll be where we want to be.

Now is now, friends. So with this shift, I have found myself wanting to make the days count. Yes I'm still a tired sahm who will always welcome bedtime with open arms {because that's mom life} but, I don't find myself wishing for things to be different as much. Wishing is crying in your bedroom closet, begging the universe to make it all go away. And I've been there, many times. Hope, that's a different story. With hope comes a game plan, resilience, and a ton of hard work to make your goals & dreams a reality.

And that's where we are. I've started to hold Noah more accountable and expect more of him. I don't know how long this nonverbal thing will last.. so I need to push him to want to communicate. He should be getting his ACC device in a couple weeks, which I'm really excited to start working with. He's also learning that he can't escape things that have been asked of him. I've waited thirty+ minutes for him to follow through with something. Or to even swallow a piece of food. His middle name is stubborn. But what he doesn't know yet is so is mine. Because I know he can do these things, and I wont settle for anything less. And so I wait, and then, he does it.

I also don't carry him everywhere, as much. This one is a work in progress. Honestly it just makes things easier to do it this way, but he's only getting bigger. And I can & should expect things typical of his age. And now I do. I ask him to come here and if he doesn't, I go to him and we walk together hand over hand. Most the time he's crying, and we have to stop every millisecond because he turns into jello. But we do it. We've had more tantrums this last month than ever before, and I didn't know such patience has existed on my end. But we will get through this, together, like we've done since day one.

Today, our days are not lost to daydreaming, endless google searches, an overflow of tears, and wishing it was anything but autism.. no, today my hopes are not for Noah to get better, but for him to stay strong, always believe in himself, know his self worth, and to share that happiness inside him I see everyday, with the world.

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