i never realized it was always you

No doubt raising kids is a lot of work. Add special needs in the mix, & it's a whole different ball game. And I've been guilty of throwing myself pity parties, though they are fewer & further between. But I've thrown out the why's? The why Noah? Why me? Why us? I've been guilty of saying no one understands what I go through. Which in a sense is true. Unless you live it, you don't understand. I could paint the most descriptive, realistic picture for you, & it still wouldn't come close to accurately depicting our life.

Yet, throughout all the chaos & hardship, I do have someone that wholeheartedly knows exactly how it feels.. because they've been right beside me on this same rollercoaster since day one. Adam. I don't talk about my husband too much. Maybe because I feel I don't have too? But grateful for him, is an understatement.. he is irreplaceable.

I never cry at night. I know a lot of people do & I would never judge someone for doing so. I seem to get my cries out during the day. And recently I started to wonder, is it because of Adam? Maybe? I know I feel safe beside him. And my anxiety & worries seem to disappear. Maybe it's because he quotes Forest Gump & other random movies just to get me to laugh constantly.

When I go off on crazy rants about how I need changes made in therapy, or that there is never any help out there, or that no one understands how hard all of this is. He never once has gotten critical or has said that he does.. he gets its, but he never makes me feel bad for saying those things. He lets me work out my feelings & thoughts, which I always do outloud, not really wanting his input, just for him to listen.. & he does just that. My favorite is when I've worked everything out and I come up with this grand plan & I take action, he always asks if I'm okay with that. Am I happy about the changes? I can't help but smile every time.

He knows blogging is important to me, and so instead of not asking about it because it's not his sorta thing, he talks to me about it all the time. He know my friends, and by their names. 'I saw a video of Carter talking, that was so cool!' Again, I smile.

Having a husband like mine is a blessing. I know that's not the case for everyone & every marriage, and that's something I don't take for granted. It's never about him, never has been & I doubt there will come a day where he doesn't put his family & others first. He is the most selfless, caring person I know. I'm truly lucky to call him mine.

Oddly & not so proudly, I don't tell him these things enough. I'm quite the introvert, and one time he learned about love languages, & learned what sorta thing works for me in that way. I have yet to do the same.. again, lucky.

We wanted kids of course but no one can prepare you for how much it changes you, each other.. just everything. Sometimes I wish Adam & I had way less conversations about autism. And plans. And money. And how to make our every day better, easier. We say things like .. 'if Noah doesn't talk.. or if he lives with us for a very, very long time..' we always follow with 'but we're not there yet..' But in all honesty, I'm really glad we are having these conversations. They're not easy, but as parents you have to prepare for the what ifs.. no matter how hard they may be.

Sometimes, I miss the person I used to be. I know sometimes, Adam does too.. But you don't go through something like having a kid with autism & not change.. it changes everything. Amazingly, Adam still sees her. Maybe not entirely, but enough of her. Maybe you learn to re fall in love with the new person? I know I never knew how I much I loved Adam until he became a dad. And not just any dad, a special needs dad. I never knew that he would have more patience known to exist. I didn't know he would love his son more than anything in the world, despite the fact they've never shared anything together. I can picture every dad's dream when they have a son.. we've both had to accept a different path in life.

I don't think we ever said the word autism in all our years of dating, getting married, pregnancy.. yet here we are, with a son on the spectrum. We still have quite a few unknowns, & uncertainties.. but I know I wouldn't want to do any of this life with any one else. We're okay. I'm okay. And I never realized, it was always because of him.

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