our wishes

Lately, I’ve felt a little out of sync with Noah. Don’t get me wrong, I still know and understand every sound, cry, or expression. But lately, it feels like he needs more from me...and I don’t know what that more is.

His receptive language and “allowing” me talk has just exploded. And that “allowing”—unless you live it, it is almost impossible to explain. But imagine almost every single time you talked to your kid—they got upset, for years. And it could have been Noah didn’t understand my words, which of course hearing a bunch of mumble jumble would be enough to make anyone frustrated.

But it was still hard as parents, no matter how empathetic we were. And there was a point we reached where I didn’t talk much—those were what I call the dark days. Thankfully, it has gotten so much better—not completely, but Noah will finally let me talk to him. In sentences. Not quick single words. I can ask him questions. Ask about his day. Though he doesn’t answer me, I still ask. It still matters to me. I can finally share stories. Not so much stories from books. But we’re getting better each and every day.

I do my best to keep things as “normal” as I can. And to keep him engaged and find things he enjoys besides tv—though they are far and few between, it’s still important that we try. But lately, it has felt even harder to do.

More and more I’m feeling lost as to what Noah needs from me. What to say to him. More and more he is just staring at me like he’s longing for me to understand...but I don’t. And it freaking breaks my heart.

The nonverbal is so hard. So much so that I usually don’t allow myself to feel those feelings. But sometimes I do. Remembering almost exactly a year ago, Noah said the word “cookie” clear as day, yet we haven’t heard since. That’s hard. That hurts. And I have given myself some grace when feeling these feelings because they’re valid.

I would do anything, give anything to know what my son is thinking. To know what could we do to make him happy. Does he want to sing? Count? Make silly faces or fly in the sky? I try any and everything I can. But it feels as if he’s growing up, yet he’s still stuck as a toddler.

I wish he could just tell me. No matter how much we realize and accept this journey, I don’t know if that wish will ever fade. Only time will tell if our wishes will come true.

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